Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year.

In The Hot Guide to a Cool Sexy Menopause, Nurse Barb addresses this intimacy issue. Here is an excerpt from Chapter 5 , "The 2 way street of intimacy. When Erectile Dysfunction gets in the way of Intimacy at Midlife or a case of : The Right Kids, The Wrong Husband."

Mindy’s Story
Mindy and her husband slept in the same bed, but hadn’t touched each other in over two years. She wanted to have hot sex the way they used to when they first met, but he wasn’t interested. She would have gladly settled for snuggling in his arms, but that was also off limits. They were good parents and talked about all the things that went along with having a house and kids in school, older parents, mortgages, work, paying bills, and what to do on the weekends. On the surface, they probably seemed like a happy, well-adjusted couple, never arguing in public. She felt that everywhere but the bedroom, they were a happy compatible couple. The reality was they were more like roommates than lovers. She knew that he loved her, but there was one big thing missing. There was no physical affection. None, nada, not even a hug in the morning. Any attempt she made to touch him, hold his hand, or even reach out for him was rebuffed. He had never been cold and distant in the past. After reading self-help books and taking the ubiquitous surveys in women’s magazines, Mindy thought she had a working diagnosis. She was pretty certain that it all stemmed from one small issue that had grown into the elephant in the room and was the one thing he refused to discuss. The last time they tried to have sex was over two years ago, and he hadn’t been able to get an erection.

​For the first few months, she had tried to reassure him and he’d been receptive to trying oral and manual stimulation, but when that didn’t work, he became more discouraged and withdrawn. He gave up. He didn’t want to discuss it with her, and the more she suggested that he see his doctor, the more stubborn and angry he became. After a while he started rebuffing any attempts she made toward hugging or cuddling. It was almost as if any touching reminded him that it didn’t lead to the sexual promised land, so he nipped it in the bud before it got started. Any time she even approached the subject she was met with stony silence, so she gave up. Now she understood the saying, “Two ships that pass in the night.” He was a cold fish that she was ready to wrap up in newspaper and leave behind. Masturbation a few times a week, while not exactly what she wanted, was better than nothing and it was a good release.

​Mindy didn’t think that they needed counseling, because they didn’t fight and she didn’t think he was cheating on her. But despite being married, she was very lonely. They weren’t connecting sexually or physically at all. It was sad, and she wondered if this was how it would be for the rest of their lives.
​“It’s so depressing,” Mindy told me. “I don’t want to give up sex. I’m only fifty-four.” Her sex drive was alive and well. She wanted to have sex, though she was tired of being rejected by her husband. She felt like her marriage had turned into a case of “The Right Kids and Wrong Husband.”
​Mindy and I talked about safe ways that she could bring up the subject of their sex life. I gave her some simple scripts she could use to gently discuss the “elephant in the room,” which sounded like erectile dysfunction.

​Later, she told me how she went to his man cave and closed the door so that the kids wouldn’t hear them. “Look, I know this is difficult for you,” she began. “But it’s difficult for me too. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I love you, and I want to be more connected emotionally and physically. We don’t have to give up on sex and having fun in bed. It’s not too late. You don’t seem happy, and I know I’m not happy. I’m willing to try if you are. It’s not okay with me for us to continue to live like roommates.”

Mindy told me that after her husband’s initial resistance, he agreed to see a sex therapist. Within weeks of seeing the therapist, they had made a lot of progress with emotional and physical intimacy. The first thing the therapist had them do was work on their communication, which helped as they worked on the physical aspects of their sex life. Mindy thought that their communication was fine prior to seeing the therapist, but soon realized that there were big gaps that needed to be filled before they could connect in the bedroom. After a lot of encouragement from the therapist and from their improved communication, her husband finally agreed to talk to his primary-care physician about medications for erectile dysfunction.

​Although it’s a very slow process, my experience is that these deep and complicated issues take lots of time and baby steps. The way people interact with each other doesn’t change overnight. It does take time and is well worth the effort.

To get more life and health advice from Nurse Barb, check out her book, The Hot Guide to a Cool Sexy Menopause, at www.basichealthpub.com or www.amazon.com